Sometimes

God,
Sometimes I feel like You aren't here. That You're here but You're holding back.
I know You've got me but I still need Your help.
I trust You but I'm still frustrated.
I feel ugly. I feel fat. I feel totally worthless. I feel trapped. I feel anger. I feel pain. I feel like I'll never be motivated again. I need You to hold me up. I've got my eyes on You but I still feel out of luck. I just want to know it's going to be okay and that You have a brighter future for me outside of this day. I need to turn back to You fully committed. I need Your love and to know You are smitten. I need self esteem before Satan tears me down. I need to know that You're always around. I need to know I won't always be stuck. I need to Your help in standing me up. I want You to forever change my heart and mind. I want there to be only You so I can stop crying.
Please and thanks. I do love You. I'm just tired of this hate and need to be renewed.

Yeah

Tonight was for you too.
I hope I didn't let you down too much.
I love You Jesus.
You rock my world dude.

Nice To Know

It's nice to know that in this crazy, messed up, volcanic, life of mine, I have a God who has always looked out for me and had my back. Thanks a lot love :)
Just thought I'd dedicate a blog post to that.

Lots of Love

Well God, we had lots of love going around today. From falling in love with Penn State and University of Michigan's landscape, to wanting to fall in love because of inspiring romantic movies, it's just been an all-around love fest today.
Not to mention Your presence in the doctor's office. When that...monster was suctioning out my ears, I could only think, "The Lord is my Shepard...He standeth beside me..." And even though that was completely wrong, it worked. When my eyes were closed, the only image I could think of was You besides the monster to the left of me, holding me down, completely paralyzing me when the monster said to be still. I literally thought I was going to pass out for a few seconds, but thanks to You, I didn't, and I was able to hold still. Thanks for being there--it would've royally sucked worse without You.

My God

"Please God" I cried out, "Save my life!" God is gracious--it is He who makes things right, our most compassionate God. God takes the side of the helpless; when I was at the end of my rope, he saved me. I said to myself, "Relax and rest. God has showered you with blessings. Soul, you've been rescued from death; Eye, you've been rescued from tears; And you, Foot, were kept from stumbling."
Psalm 116: (roughly) 4/5-8.

 My God has always been very compassionate and faithful to me. Even when I feel like He isn't near, I know He always is. Even in my darkest times when I feel like He's taken me to a dark place from which I can't escape, I know He has a plan. He always has and always will. Our God isn't blinded, isn't dumb, isn't  lost, isn't wish-washy. Our God is God, might, power and holiness. He helps me even when I don't quite see it. He is my father, my mother, my brother, my friend, my lover and my husband. What a catch!

Right Now

Stop what you're doing and pray for me please. I've just had one of the WORST nights I've ever had at work and I'm so fed up with life it's not even funny. I'll post about my life on my A Beautiful Misadventure blog. Just please pray. I'm on wits end and I'm tired of living and failing. Please pray.

Lost Presence

I feel like it's getting harder and harder for me to sense God's presence. I'm not really sure what the breaking point was either.
But I want to get that feeling back. God has been helping me with my lust issues of late and I'm hoping He can just help me concentrate on Him.
I think of Thomas and Caleb still a lot, but mainly just happy memories. If I find myself fantasizing a conversation with them, I try to turn it into remembering how much God loves me and has been chasing me down since I was born.
So this is what I found tonight when I opened my Bible:


Psalms 119
"You're blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God.
You're blessed when you follow his directions, doing your best to find Him.
That's right--you don't go off on your own; you walk straight along the road he set."

'Oh that my steps might be steady, keeping to the course you set;
Then I'd never have any regrets in comparing my life with your counsel."


"How can a young person live a clean life?
By carefully reading the map of your Word.
I'm single minded in pursuit of you; don't let me miss the road signs you've posted.
I've banked your promises in the vault of my heart so I won't sin in bankrupt.
Be blessed God; train me in the ways of wise living."